This is just a test.......

There are few things as annoying as watching your favorite tv show or game and you get the "test" the loud, horrible beeps followed by a voice telling me that this is a test, and if it were not a test we would get instructions, blah, blah, blah......!  However, it's interesting how those few words have such  a powerful meaning" "this is just a test"!

How cool would it be if during our life, when we just finished doing something dumb, or that we regret, we had a voice tell us " this is just a test", followed by instructions on what to do!  But even more helpful would be during the darkest, scariest, loneliest hours of our life, we had someone, or something calmly say the phrase, but personalized it by putting your name at the beginning.  For example, I have had a rough month, scary, confusing.....but to know that I have someone who could and would say to me........."Tom, this is just a test and here is how you get through it and this is what you're supposed to do"! Think about that, think about what we are doing here, what we spend our time doing, going through our routines etc.  But, inevitably we ALL have an emergency, we all come to point where we need help.  We all, deep down long for the voice, we need it, we want someone to calm us down and give us instruction on how to overcome it.  This IS part of the test, we are here for a reason, find what that is if you haven't, know that we have the power to be the voice to others!! Listen for the voice from others, reminding you about the test.  Help one another, lift one another.  To all my friends and family, listen to the voice, the Eternal voice, from one who loves us , who will never leave your side, who warns and reminds of of our individual test and how to triumph and instructions to grow, and go on!  I know this is a test, and I'm thankful for so many voices telling me what we all want and need to hear......."Tom, my son, this is just a test"!!!!  Thank you for your support and love, I love you all!  We got this!!!

There's no crying in baseball!

"There's no crying in baseball", I feel like one of Tom Hanks best lines ever!  It's from the movie A League of Their Own, and there is a scene where one of his players comes into the dugout from making a bad play and the coach (Tom Hanks) scolds hers in a funny but mean way, as he walks away he notices she starts to cry and says, " are you, crying, are you crying, ..........There's no crying in baseball!!!!!!!" I love it and chuckle every time I see. Well, that has become my new phrase I use to family. " there's no crying in Team Tommy"! It's meant to be light and funny, and I understand the tears from my loved ones, I have had some tears myself, but my point in saying that is because we can't control the uncontrollable, meaning, why worry about something that may or may not happen, why lead a sad life, or get upset, or put things on hold?  Control what we can control.  I have cancer, it was out of my control, but I can control if I want to be happy, laugh, smile, go on, fight, forgive, forget, repent, teach, love, sleep(haha), hope, want, desire, dream, study, build, play, grow, etc. I want  my loved ones to express themselves however they want, even if if means crying, but its hard to cry if we take a few moments out of our day, EVERY day and really, really count your blessings, the cry will turn into a cry of gratitude and thankfulness once we realize it!

I am so gratefully for what I have.  In a selfish way, my diagnosis has blessed me with amazing experiences, put special people in my life, given me special, spiritual moments. I'm seeing things and people as with a new set of eyes.  My wife isn't my wife, she's the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and she is truly my eternal companion, I want to be by her side ALWAYS.  My kids are not my kids, they are the source for my purest joy and love, they are my God given responsibility to raise, nurture, love and build, they are my babies and my eternal family.  All family isn't just family, they are rocks in my foundation of strength, they are a love and support group.  They are selfless, they are fighters and friends.  They are my everything!  Friends aren't just friends, they are an extension of what I hope for, they love me through good or bad, they fight FOR me and lift me up when I am too weak to do it!  The gospel isn't just nice stories and warm fuzzies to me, it's Everything!  It's what makes miracles happen, it's what allows me to be strong and have a clear perspective of the eternities, it's the means for me to have relationships with my Heavenly Family, and it's the reason I can know that I have a Brother who KNOWS what I am going through and has already asked me to place my burden on Him.  I am humbled but I am strong because of my amazing support team.  Team Tommy isn't just a cute name, it lifts me, it helps me, it humbles me!!  Thank you everybody, I love you all!! There's no crying in Team Tommy, well, maybe a little!! We got this!!!

Huntsman visit #2

Yesterday was a looooong day! We were at Huntsman all day long, blood drawn multiple times for tests, met with a bunch of doctors, nurses, counsel ours, had my radiation mask made which was a smudge uncomfortable etc.  It was a little overwhelming and draining.  I start radiation today and next week I start infusions for 12 weeks, for the first level of treatment that isn't radiation. There are some side affects, depending once again how MY body reacts.  
It seems like I have a very long road ahead of me to try and find the combo of treatment that my body responds best to.  So it's on!!  Continued prayers are much appreciated.

The counselor afterwards was telling me ways to cope, or deal with this disease ( I honestly was NOT in the mood :), but I listened  and she said some good stuff.  She asked me if I believe in a religion or a higher power.  I didn't hear a word after that because my mind instantly thought that not only do I believe in a " higher power", I know that I have a Heavenly Father who know my name, loves me, is mindful of the trials I am going through, blesses me, comforts me with arms around me, sustains me through dark moments, etc.  I believe in family, and that no matter what happens, I have my family forever, what an amazing comfort.  I know that my Heavenly Father has put people in my life for RIGHT NOW!  I know that He has given me mercy, shown miracles and strengthened hundreds who are concerned with me and praying for me.  If I didn't believe what I believe or KNOW, this whole process would be a nightmare and scary.  It's not though, it's a trial that I have to get through with the help of my " higher power", my Father in Heaven.  I'm so grateful for that reality.  I love you all, thank you for your support, prayers, kind words and service.  It is truly AMAZIN!!!  We got this!!!

Huntsman visit #1

It's time for an update.  I met with one of my oncologists today at Huntsman for the first time, and I must say, it was very positive.  They had my MRI with them and he counted 40+ growths of melanoma formed in my brain, a few more than we thought, :) but it doesn't change the goal and determination I have towards it. We have a planning session with two oncologists to set up a treatment plan for the growths in my shoulder, neck, and stomach, but I will begin radiation for my brain on Thursday.  I am going to lose my hair :), not  a huge deal as I have shaved my head multiple times in my day.  The symptoms aren't horrible, for the most part, obviously everyone reacts different but it should be pretty tolerable.  After my radiation treatments, the other treatments, ( chemo, etc.) begins.  At this time no more surgery is needed. (Fingers crossed)!

The doctor said today, " melanoma is tricky, we don't try to cure the disease, we try and control it."  I've thought about that a bunch today, I feel like I have been put in this position for a reason.  I am not quite sure what that is, but I have had a special spirit with me the past couple weeks that has been so special and needed.  My amazing brother in law sent me this quote:
"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that The Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for everlasting benefit." -Richard G. Scott

I love this so much, I feel blessed and almost honored that I have a chance to grow and become a better man through this trial.  I love that I can spend so much time focused on my little family, feeling the love of so many, and watching the many miracles in my life.  Thank you for your support!  We got this!!

Angels among us?

I have had a topic on mind and some thoughts I wanted to share.  I started from a verse I read in the scriptures and the urge got stronger when a good family friend sent me a quote from Elder Holland:

“I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”
― Jeffrey R. Holland

In the past few weeks, a very short time with our new direction in life, we have felt the influences of Angels.  I know it's easy to write that off as people just helping, or maybe people feel sorry for us......I strongly disagree.  I am being lifted up, by divine love and strength.  I know that we are at a time and place in this life, in this moment, on purpose.  We have been aligned with amazing friends, families, loves ones.......all Angels!!  It's hard for me NOT to look to the heavens and wonder what is in store, what is this going to bring, why now, etc.  But I know that people have been placed in my path for a reason.  I cherish the spirit of love that we have felt.  I get emotional at the sacrifices people are making in behalf of me and m family.  Angels!  Please, look for the angels in your life and more importantly, become and Angel to someone else.  I know I couldn't do this without mine!!  I love you Angels!  We got this!!

Angie finale

I forgot to mention, she's my sister in law!!:)

ANGIE

I want to take a moment tonight and share my thoughts and love with someone I think is truly amazing, who I love, and who is a huge inspiration to me.  Her name is Angie!  Angie has not had the easiest life, (to say the least).  She has gone through more in her young years than most people do in a lifetime.  She has seen darkness and felt the wrath of what this world throws at us.  She is AMAZING!  Last month, Angie found a lump in her collarbone area, had it checked and was diagnosed with cancer and has been doing chemotherapy treatments for a few weeks now.  I am amazed at that woman!  If you meet her, you will most likely find yourself laughing or smiling because she brings the best vibe with her anywhere she goes, she adores her kids, and is madly in love with her rock of a husband Jake.  Angie has brought tears to my eyes many times the past few weeks, because she has been more concerned with me and my diagnosis than her own!  She texts me during chemo, to tell me to be strong, she questions the oncologist about MY situation, she came and got in bed with me after my surgery and made me laugh and cry, she has been an inspiration of what love is and service is.  I want to be compassionate like Angie, I want to make people laugh like Angie, I want to glow like Angie, I want to lift like Angie.  Angie.....I love you, thank you for being you!  Please, anyone who reads this, pray for Angie and her little family!  They deserve it, they need it! SHE GOT THIS!!!

angiesarmy-fight.blogspot.com

Miracles

Tonight I have a very heavy heart and mind.  My little brother said it best.."three weeks ago one of my biggest concerns was my golf swing and now.....:)" It's amazing how different things look to me right now.  It's humbling as I see a hand, greater than mine, orchestrating this new journey!  When I was first told that I had some "cancerous looking cells"  I knew right away, that this wasn't going to be basic.  I had that feeling, I knew.  We were told so many different things in such a small window that it became stressful.  I just wanted to know, I wanted to start my battle and I wanted to know my opponent.  Well, now I know.  I know who I'm going against.  I am going to share it with you the way is was taught to me, not the medical terms......you're welcome! :) I have been diagnosed with an advanced, stage 4 melanoma.  They removed a pretty good sized mass in my armpit.  We got all the scan results back and I have a few more affected areas in my torso and back area.  The Gut punch came when out of nowhere, I was told that they have also found at least 5 tumors in my brain. That one I wasn't completely ready for.  I have multiple appointments with the Huntsman Inst. next week, and my surgeon spoke directly to the oncologist who would be working with me, and he was very optimistic.......whatever that means:) So the fight begins!  I felt for the first time, maybe ever, what it means for me to know that I have an eternal family, because in an instant mortality became so fragile and now seemed like I'm "on the clock".  Many years ago there was a famous saying during a very important (sure) athletic event.  The term used as the underdogs were about to win was: "do you believe in miracles?" Now, I feel offended that such a phrase was used to try and capture an athletic event, an event so irrelevant to our individual lives.  On the flip side, many people do not believe in miracles unless it's magical, or mystical.   Out of this world if you will, maybe another parting of the red sea?  Again, such a sad hope or vision of a miracle.  Let me tell you what I think are miracles and you can take some time to count the hundreds in your life later.  A miracle is a wife who lost her mother and sister at an early age, finds out her husband has cancer and is "allowed" to sleep like a baby during one of the hardest weeks in our marriage.  A miracle is when I get hundreds and hundreds of emails, texts, calls messages etc. telling me that I am on the prayer list for people of all different faiths, because they love someone who loves me! A miracle is a brother or sister who put their own families aside for a moment to make sure their brother KNOWS they love him.  A miracle is when I have been given strength beyond my own to look at only the positives, not the negatives in this situation.  The miracle is of a father who works harder than anyone I know who fasts, multiple times, for his son, but has the strength to work and provide for his family. A miracle is a mother of a special needs daughter that goes through more pain and anguish than most of us can imagine, and still has time and energy to do anything she can for her brother.  Do I believe in miracles?  YES!!! Because I know them when I see them and I will not ignore what they truly are in my life.........MIRACLES!!!  Thank you everybody, I love you all!! We got this!!

Bath Time

I'm sure many of you are thinking that you don't really want to hear about bath time.......too bad! My wife and I were laughing pretty hard at how "low" you can feel when you don't have your "A" game.  Like, after my second surgery, they were kind enough to hook me up with a drain for the wound and tell me I can't shower or get it wet for 14 days or so.  First, I like me a shower, burning hot with all of my scented scrubs and shampoos, you know the good smelling stuff.  Second, I never, EVER miss a shower let alone be banned from it for two weeks.  As I was sitting in the tub last night, water about 3 inches high, holding my "grenade shaped drain", I looked at my wife like Kramer to Jerry: "Bathes Jerry, Bathes!" It wasn't a pretty sight....at all, but I loved that in the middle of a humiliating moment for me, I can still feel the unconditional love my wife has for me and turn it into a funny moment in our simple lives!

I also had a cat scan and a PET/CT scan today to determine other affected areas and to prepare for treatment.  We are on pins and needles for now, but I actually had a very peaceful few hours.  The tests are a little loud and it's a long wait and process, but I had a lot of time to think.  No TV, music, magazines, phone.....nothing.  I immediately thought about how blessed I am right now. I have been humbled and overwhelmed with love and support from friends, family, loved ones and even strangers who just want to help!  In a time when it could be very easy to be negative and in a world that seems so dark, I couldn't stop counting my blessings.  What I have, who I have. I am so fortunate to be where I am!  I have been bombarded with love! The power of prayer and the moving action of Love are real!  They are not "nice" ideas, I am being lifted up and I can't ever forget this, it is changing my life as we speak!! I don't know what the next days, weeks, months or years have in store, but I know I a going to be strong because of the love and kindness of people who care!  Thank you all!  WE GOT THIS!!!!!

Scan day

Brandy:

I am sitting across the hall from the MRI room listening to the loud clicks and beeps as my cute husband, who 3 weeks ago was playing golf with his buddies at this time without a care in the world...how things can change! The small things I was worrying about then seem so insignificant now!

Surgery #2

This is Brandy now giving you all an update of Tom's 2nd surgery.  The past 2 1/2 weeks have gone by in a blur with moments of sadness and helplessness to feeling so blessed by the Lord's mercy and love for us!

We went back into same day surgery on Friday to remove the rest of the cancerous cells in Tom's armpit or axilla as the Dr's are calling it.  By the way there are a ton of technical names and information being thrown at us so if I do not sound like I know what I am talking about it is probably because I don't!  Still doing lots of reading to try to comprehend all that we are being told.  In the first surgery they removed a lymph node or nodes about the size of a racquetball, this time they removed about another fist sized amount.  He did great in the surgery and recovery and is still cracking jokes in pre and post op.  Our surgeon had to come in and check on Tom's drain and was clearly not thrilled that the nurse could not take care of it and Tom joked as he left that he was just mad that he had to come back on his way to his Bingo tournament in his Hawaii five o shirt.  This was just after he had really pushed and prodded with his very tender area that had just been sliced open.

The surgeon informed us that he is pretty sure that the other tissue he removed was cancerous as well which means that it is probably not contained in just this area.  We will be having a PET/CT scan next Wednesday to determine if it has spread and where, then the oncologist will determine what the treatment plan will be.

On another note we are so completely overwhelmed and humbled at the amount of love and service that is being offered to our family!  Everyday there have been tender mercies sent in the form of a call, text, meal, visit, or act of service and so many other things I cant even mention them all.  Thank you so much for your prayers, love and positive thoughts! I know the only way we are staying strong and able to bear all of this is through the prayers that are being said on our behalf! We really cannot thank you enough or express how much all of your love means to us!  We have been so humbled and feel so loved!  Please keep praying for our family, we know that miracles happen and we are hopeful and know that our Father is very aware of us! 

What the heck just happened?

I'm a blogger!  Wow, I honestly never, EVER thought I would say that! It will get better as time goes by, maybe.  I need to apologize in advance that this is an outlet for me and I want my family and friends to be able to check in on me from time to time. I'm sorry if it gets too sentimental or preachy, it's mine and you can go ahead and log off if you don't like it....:)   So, what the heck just happened? I mean, why and how did I get here?  Let me take it back a little bit.....



2 weeks and 2 days ago while I was in the shower washing my pits I noticed a big lump under my left armpit. I know that sometimes we all find something we don't love on our bodies.  I'm as stubborn as the next guy but this was different, this wasn't right. (not to mention it was affecting my golf game :) I thought, this couldn't be worse timing considering my sister in law, Angie Alvord @angiesarmy-fight.blogspot.com, just found out that she is starting a battle with cancer and the prior couple of days have weighed very heavily on the entire family.  I wasn't thrilled to share this news with my wife, but I needed to.  I told my beautiful wife Brandy and she immediately went into panic mode, which is what I love about her!  We had a visit to the doctor scheduled for Monday.  We  met with the doctor who told us he wouldn't really worry about it and that we could schedule an ultrasound in the next few days..........this wasn't good enough for the wifey.  She demanded we get in to get the ultrasound that day, and he heard the concern in her voice and scheduled it.  We rushed down to Utah Valley Regional and got the ultrasound.  The individual who was on duty was funny, he was cracking jokes, he was trying to make it light.....until he saw it.  I saw his facial expressions completely change as I could tell that this wasn't just a goiter.  He got on the phone with my Doctor who wanted to speak with me and told me we need to see a surgeon ASAP, we HAVE to get that out of there.  We had a meeting with the surgeon on Wednesday, he didn't like what he saw and to "cross your fingers that is isn't melanoma", I had surgery Thursday to remove a racquetball sized mass. The pathologist looked at it and determined it was melanoma (dang it!) and we needed to get more of the mass out.  I had my second surgery this past Friday to remove another fist-sized mass, this is getting  real.  So, like I asked before, what the heck just happened? The past couple weeks has turned our little world upside down! It is amazing how irrelevant and insignificant so many things that we do really are.  I wanted to be with my wife and kids, I wanted to go to the temple, I wanted to pray, I wanted to be strong.  But most importantly, I wanted to know what I was supposed to learn through this and how I could use it to become a better man, Father, husband, brother and friend.  This blog will be my way of going through this personal journey.  I want to help my family see that I am ok, and that I am strong and I will get through this.  I also want cancer to know, that this will be one of the toughest fights to pick, because when I come, I come with the thunder!!!:) Please, check in from time to time, I need prayers, good vibes, success stories and love.  I am more than overwhelmed at the tons and tons of people already in my corner.  I love you all!  So, LET"S DO THIS!!!!!!