Do you love me?

The last little while has been a little frustrating health wise but awesome in other aspects of my life.  My last scans looked good, the disease is inactive.  I want to be clear what this means in my situation with my diagnosis. I have advanced stage lV melanoma, it will always stay that stage or worse and it will always be in my body. It's a " ninja" cancer as my doctor put it.  We don't know how it got there, we don't know where it sometimes goes, and the scary part, we don't know when it will come back, and how aggressively.  So, I TRY to live life with a smile, and a positive attitude about what's ahead for our little family.  Not knowing if you got into a certain college, or not knowing if you got the job, is so stressful!  Not knowing how long you have to live is without description.  I am committed to being a better person NO MATTER WHAT!  That's all I can do.  I need your prayers, I need your faith.  I'm living the miracle that all of you created for me, it wasn't supposed to happen like this but faith and miracles are real!!  The past few months we have followed families who have lost loved ones to cancer.  Some I know, others I didn't.  I'm amazed at the strength of the family unit that allowed these amazing individuals to lift someone who lost there soul mate, eternal companion, sweetheart, Daddy, son, brother, whatever.  It gives me hope, that if I'm called home early, I have a family that can lift my wife and kids, so that we will without a doubt reunite in the kingdom of Heaven!!  I'm inspired by you special people who have suffered tremendous loss!!!

When the Savior was crucified and resurrected, he left his disciples alone.  They asked, " what do we do now"? They decided to go back to fishing.  They struggled, heard a voice.  Peter lept from the boat and ran to shore.  The Master asked Peter, "do you love me more than all of this"? Peter answered, " yeah lord thou knowest  I love thee"! Two more times the Savior asked two more times Peter replied,  then the Savior asked "then why are we here on this same shore, by these same boats, having this same conversation, wasn't it clear then and isn't it clear now if I want fish I can get fish?  What I need are disciples and I need them forever, I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me!"  I love this exchange because I substitute Peters name for mine.  "Tom, do you love me?" My answer is YES!!!! And I don't know how long I have to live, but I will do whatever I can for as long as I can to prove it, the crowning characteristic of love is loyalty!! Loyal to his name, words, church, and everything he lived for!!  My friends and family and supporters, "do you love him?"  Thank you for your amazing support and love!  Till we meet again!!! We got this!!!!

Holidays

The holidays were quite a bit different than any other I experienced! When I was diagnosed 7 months ago, I was given some pretty scary statistics and percentages.  I was given the average length of life of someone with my diagnosis.  So I tried to absorb as much as I could.  Thanksgiving was special, almost every single one of my brothers and sisters, spouses, and children went to my parents house, (their are 11 children and tons of grand kids) it was special for me, I needed to be with my loved ones.  We had a special testimony meeting and the spirit testified to my family that we had truly experienced a miracle in our family.  Not many dry eyes and I will cherish that memory.  Then Christmas comes which is so fun and special in our family.  I love Christmas!  As we come into the new year, my wife asked me what my resolution would be.  I said " to live"!  And what I mean is I don't know how many Holiday seasons I have left, I don't know when I'll hear testimonies from all my brothers and sisters again, I heard my parents speak in church and it was amazing.  Was this the last time?  They hadn't spoke in years and years.  I want to live the best life I can, I want to be an example to my kids, family, and friends!  If the doctors first diagnosis on my length of life(which has changed because a miracle happened and my scans have been great) I would only have 5 months left in this mortal life.  Well, I'm going to live the next 10 plus years like I have only five months to live.  What if we all did?  How much of our time would be dedicated to family and "real" priorities?  How many of us would turn more fully to our Heavenly Father And his Son?  What would we change?  Who would we want to be with?  This year, I'm going to live, live like no other!  I am so thankful for the blessings, family, friends, faith, miracles, prayers and much, much more!  I love you all!! Til we meet again!!!   Happy Holidays!  Make 2014 special.........I am!!!!!!

How do we see other people?

The purpose for this post comes from a few different things.  First, I have white hair from my treatments and I have really noticed people doing double takes if I don't wear a hat.  Almost wanting to ask me why I have white hair, did I do it on purpose or thinking I messed my dye job up because there is a very distinct line on my neck that goes from white to brown.  I would actually rather just have someone ask, than look three times" :))). The second thing that brought me to this topic is the reaction I would personally get when I would go out of my way at Huntsman and ask someone how their day was going.  I remember a little frail lady in a wheelchair looked at me like I was crazy but realized I was gonna wait for an answer.  She finally smiled and said "I'm doing ok today". I loved it! I don't do it enough though. Why?  Why don't I say hi to everyone?  Why don't I notice someone that looks unhappy and ask how their day is?  I know it's Sunday schoolish, but aren't we all brothers and sisters?

Consider this quote by an individual who spent significant time in a prison camp:

"I can no longer condemn or hate a brother for whom I pray, no matter how much trouble he causes me.  His face, hitherto may have been strange and intolerable to me, is transformed into the countenance of a brother for whom Christ died, the face of a forgiven sinner". When this man died, the doctor said, " I have hardly ever seen a man die to entirely submissive to the will of God!!"

Elder Holland said " consider how much happier our modern communities would be if we served rather than sued"!  Obviously he is posing the same question another way, why don't we take care of people?  Now I'm not saying there is no service or kindness, because there is enormous amounts of that, I will testify to that forever, but I know I'm missing the mark.  I was at dinner with a good friend and he said something very sweet and true.  He said that if the Savior were here today, or show up for our ward services we would most likely be shocked at who he would want to visit with because we put so much stock into callings, status etc.  He would want to be with the humble, those in pain, those who are heartbroken and devastated.  He would want to wipe tears, and put his arms around those who just arent sure whose they are.  He would want to heal and lift.  But to individuals that we might ignore everyday, or pay little attention to.  We need to pray hard for ourselves but also pray hard for those who despise us.  Easier sad than done, right? :) .  Of course it is, anything that allows us to have  significant growth is hard or stretches us, that's why we're here!! I have been blessed to have people stretch to comfort me, just by saying "hi" or "how are you doing today"?  Kindness and love can heal many things.  Try it!  Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers!!  Til we meet again!!

You never know!

Well, it has been a long while since I have shared my words, and I have had many come and go.  I apologize if I ramble a bit.To start with, a few weeks ago I had a pretty good scan that I don't want to get into but it was a huge blessing in my family and myself!  I cant thank enough people for their prayers and fasting and thought and love. Its been too much to handle!  we all love you.

We also had a passing of a close friend.  It was sudden and heartbreaking, she was young and left behind an amazing husband and 3 beautiful girls.  the service was so special and it confirmed to me that this life is just the beginning, families are forever and you cant take that away from this sweet family. we love this family and our hearts will always go out to them.

"The most important cause of our lifetime is our families.  If we will devote ourselves to this cause, we will improve every other aspect of our lives and will become, as a people and as a church, an example and a beacon for all the people of the earth!" -M. Russell Ballard

It was a little humbling and emotional for me to be at the viewing and the funeral because a flood of emotions takes over me and it starts too look very real to me, especially when my clock is ticking. but I was comforted, I also believe in the doctrine of eternal families, and its not just a happy though, its part of my eternal testimony of this and many other truths that I am so thankful for.

The past few months, a few things have made a huge imprint on me and I have decided that there are 3 things that get me through this and give me strength to go on.

#1 service from others, this can be so many things, I will give a few small examples.  Two young men who are brothers, who NEVER miss mowing my lawn once a week.  They don't think its a huge deal but it is, I cant do it now, and I like a mowed lawn.  Next, the company that I work for has an annual company golf tourney.  This year, because they truly love me, they turned it into a Team Tommy fundraiser, and I was blown away at the support and donations.  My elders quorum pres. out serving, doing visits decided to make an extra stop at the Henrys, not knowing I had a really tough week and lifted me.  if someone feels bad, serve them, if you feel bad serve someone, if your feeling blessed, serve.  If you feel like everything is going wrong, serve!!!

#2 Family.  What in the world would I do without them?  from wife and kids to parents and all of my siblings and everything in between. I have been lifted in more ways than I can count.  I calls, texts, emails and cards every  week.  wanting to take out kids so my wife and I could just sleep.  They want to bring food, or messages or just come see how there brother is doing.  I have a big family, and I'm lucky to have each and every one of them.   I love them so much. My sweet Mother, and this is personal, but she came to me one day, emotional and said to me that if she could, she would take my place in a heart beat.  It was so tender, and she meant it.  However, with what I've seen, heard, read, witnessed, I wouldn't give this up!  That might sound strange.  Cancer stinks!  But my journey with my Father in Heaven and my family has been amazing!!

# Is my Eternal Brother.  Now, I write this with the most respect I can.  He has carried me through this!!  I love him, and I know without a doubt he died for me so that my burdens, right now, could be lighter.  I have a picture, by my bed of Him, and the artist did such an amazing job with the eyes.  I cant tell you how many times I look at that picture for comfort, peace, reassurance, hope, help, and just to say thanks.

I'm fighting........like we all are with something.  Something hard no doubt.  Let us keep these three things close to the heart.  You have NO idea who is waiting for your, love, service or comfort.  Thank you all, you make my days so much better.  "Til we meet again"

Music

I have a pretty important week coming up and it's been a little tough to get my mind from going a little crazy.  Reading helps. A solid tub helps!:) But music, it is my saving grace right now!  But it's not the usual music.  I love hymns, I love music that takes my wife and I back to when we first met. It makes us laugh and cry.  I also love piano music!  It has such a spirit about it and its one of the very few times I let myself breakdown a little.  As I was lying in bed listening to some awesome music I just couldn't help ask the question.  This music we listen to is amazing talent from mortal people!  What will we have the pleasure of listening to in the next sweet life?  I can't even imagine because my emotions are already brought to the surface right now.  Music is amazing, if we let it be!  My favorite part of my day is late at night, before I fall asleep, my wife tickles my back.......every night!!!   And the other night we listened to music for hours, crying and laughing!  I dare you to find something more sacred and special with your spouse, I don't think there is!!!  Thank you so much for all the prayers, support, friendships, etc!   We love you!!!

Now What?

Well, I started my last infusion treatment and chemo yesterday ( I might now do just chemo) and after 3 previous treatments, I know now what to expect, it'll be rough for a while.  But I know how to get comfortable and my amazing wife takes such good care of me! My MRI looks good, stable.  I also have my full body scans coming up in a couple weeks.  Those will tell us a lot about what lies ahead, these are the ones we've been anticipating for a long time, and it's almost here.
It's so amazing and a little strange, what I have missed over the past months.  I miss the gym, you know where you go to work yourself to exhaustion and can't move the next day, I miss that. I miss cleaning the house, I can do a solid once over! I miss work, I love my job and who I work with, I have never been more excited to get back!!!!  I miss little things that mean nothing to most but mean the world to me.

Over the past months, it has been easy for me to stay very positive, because I had something to look forward to.  Golf tourney, crossfit, etc, etc.!!!! With each event I was touched, inspired, humbled and it was truly easy to fight.  After the dust settled, and there were no more events, I jokingly asked my wife "now what"?  I didn't mean what's the next event or anything like that, but for us......"now what"?  All those events were amazing, they lifted me like no other, but I always knew it would come to an end, and I would need to have another motivation.  And I do, my motivation is trust!  I trust that the prayers haven't stopped in my family's behalf, I trust that people have bettered their lives to draw faith for me.  I trust that my sweet little babies will continue to be lifted by love and faith from others as they watch their Daddy fight.  I trust that my sweet, gentle wife can draw on the powers of Heaven.  I trust that the miracles will continue.  I trust, that as I go through this trial, I can fully understand that I chose this plan,  and I was ready to fight with integrity and loyalty to my Heavenly Father.  But most important for me, I have to trust that when its not the easiest day, and I kneel in prayer, my words are being heard and I will be comforted.   Events will come and go, but I will battle on because I trust, and I always will.  Thank you all for helping me trust and fight.  I love you!!!

UPDATE

Hello Everybody, I wanted to give a quick update.  I am currently in the middle of my 3rd round of infusion and 2nd round of chemo.  It is a little bit of a behind kicker! :) I am really tired and weak, any energy I have quickly leaves after a shower or a trip to the grocery store.  It's ok though, I'm willing to do what it takes to see the results I want.  Just like anything in life I guess!!  I had a visit with my radiation oncologist to discuss the results of my first MRI since I was diagnosed.  It went pretty well! For now, the number of masses have decreased and the Dr. was "very happy", (as happy as Doctors get,:) ) I have one more treatment for this round and some more tests coming up.  The full body scan results are the ones I'm praying for.  Fingers Crossed!  Once again, I want to thank everyone who have lifted my family.  Hundreds!!!  I pray for you all to be blessed, the love and help we have received has NOT gone unnoticed!

I have had a lot go through my mind the past few months, I read, I study, and I found a quote that I love.  It's small, but to the point.  It says: "No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse"!  I absolutely love that!  I look back on the things I used to complain about, or make big deals about, or stress about, and to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed.  Life is meant to be lived with trials, heartache, challenges, difficulties, but not meant to complain about!! There is ALWAYS someone worse off than me.  There is always someone going through something I would never want to.  Let's all pocket the complaints for awhile and look to someone who needs a good word or compliment.  I have cancer, but I know so many people who have much more difficult things they are going through.  So if you hear me whine, smack me a little and wake me up, because I have blessings pouring down from heaven......we ALL do!  Thank you for your prayers, they are truly felt!!!!